Drunken Friend
by ALRYM
Summary: Sometimes, you just need to make sure your friend gets home. No matter how annoying, unreasonable, childish, or drunk-dumb your friend might be.


**Drunken Friend**

* * *

"It's alright!" Harry said soothingly. "I'll take care of you, don't worry Hermione." His best friend was hanging off his left arm, barely able to stand on her own two feet. She had clearly underestimated the Firewhisky.

…

"I's a'righ'!" Harry barked way too loud into Hermione's ear. "Will tak'are o'you, don' worrie 'mermion." Some consonants were intermixed and a few vocals were entirely missing. She had a hard time keeping him upright.

Luckily she was a witch and could apparate Harry home. All she had to do was turn on the spot and Side-Along him back into his home. She knew Harry hated all magical forms of transport and would probably lose the contents of his stomach in his current state but it was the most convenient option.

…

"No Apparition!" Harry exclaimed in shock. He snatched the wand out of her hands. "In your current state, you shouldn't even try. You'll get us splinched badly." It spoke volumes of her current mental state that the usually so considerate witch would dare to try.

…

Hermione could not suppress a groan. "Harry, please give me my wand back."

The wizard babbled, "Noh, 's too dang'roos."

It would not have needed Hermione and her intimate knowledge of her best friend to figure out that he wouldn't budge. His mind was set.

She tried to snatch the wand but even a drunk Harry was still faster than her. And he was also stronger so there was no hope of wrenching it from him.

…

Harry was shocked when Hermione suddenly started to feel him up. She went straight for his bum then fingered the front of his pants. He tried to repel her advances. He only succeeded in getting her hands to touch his upper body.

She whined, "Gimme wand!"

"I said, no apparition and I meant it," Harry answered sternly.

Hermione pouted at him but luckily she accepted his decision. A moment later, she grappled his arm once more. She had almost fallen over backwards.

…

He lifted one arm and pointing at the sky. He declared loudly, "Dun't worrie, Ay wont leeve you 'lone."

…

"Nosu lout!" Harry cocked an eyebrow at Hermione as she clumsily and without any obvious reason decided that his left arm was no longer good enough to hold onto.

Gentleman that he was, he offered her his right one which she promptly started pulling on. "My plaze 'hen. Isn't 'oo far awai."

…

Hermione was glad Harry accepted her suggestion. Calling the Knight Bus was really no option since Stan Shunpike would have boasted for years to come how he had helped out a drunken Harry Potter.

…

Firewhisky and Hermione were a bad combination. As much as he wanted to call her out on her behavior, a street in the middle of the night was neither the right time nor the right place to discuss her sudden determination to rip his arm out.

Given, getting Hermione home was exactly what he wanted, he decided to just play along.

He'd get her into her bed and then he would... maybe he would just crash on her couch. It was getting early.

…

'All's well that ends well' Hermione thought when she locked the door of her flat behind them.

Somehow, she had managed to drag Harry home. He was really an idiot when he was hammered. Most annoying had been that he had possessed the audacity to tell her how to get to her home the fastest! He had stubbornly led her through a series of detours. It was a miracle they had arrived at all.

Harry voiced another complaint from the living room, "Whys your couch so smoll?"

She hurried to him, hoping that he had not tried to do magic. Luckily, he hadn't. "Because I bought it with the intent to sit on it not to have wizards sleep off their drunkenness on it."

He sat in the middle of the two-seater and put a hand onto each armrest. "But issa too smoll."

…

Harry had barely sat down when Hermione got all touchy again. She placed her bum in his lap and nestled with his pullover. Whatever she was trying to accomplish was condemned to failure since he still had his jacket on.

It was hard to fight her small and nimble hands off and when he had finally managed to get a hold of her wrists, Hermione jumped up and exclaimed in a tone that was clearly stolen from some 80s superhero, "To the bedroom!"

She skipped out of the room like a hyperactive child. Harry weighed his options and decided that it would be best to check that she got into her bed before he made any further plans.

…

Hermione had lost track of how often she had called for Harry when he finally stumbled into her bedroom. She was done getting ready for the night herself. She had had so much time on her hands she had even unearthed and put on her good nightie.

…

Harry gaped. Hermione's underwear drawer must have exploded. That was the only explanation for what he saw. There were bras and panties literally everywhere... on the floor, the bed, hanging from the mirror, on her dresser, and two were even dangling from her lamp.

In the middle of this mayhem and with her hands on her hips stood Hermione. She wore a see-through, silky piece of nothing. She was also wavering slightly. And how the hell had she pulled her pants off without getting out of her boots?

"Hermione, what did you do?" Belatedly, Harry realized that it was the proper thing to shield his eyes with his left hand.

"I's nothin you'vn' seen 'efore," The drunken witch declared.

…

"What were you doing all the time?" She snapped at Harry. So far, he had only pulled his shoes off and gotten out of his jacket.

"No-o-o closh," Harry whined when she roughly started to unclothe him.

"Don't be such a baby," She reprimanded him.

Without any sign or warning, Harry gave her a push. Hermione fell backwards and luckily onto her bed. He had - for whatever reason! - decided to play around with her feet. She sat up and in a demonstration of unforeseen flexibility, she undid Harry's belt and fly while he was distracted.

…

"It is not proper," Harry tried to explain to his best friend.

"We've shard 'efore!" Hermione tried her very best to pull him into her bed.

She was not very successful. Harry was not only out of her weight class, she was also way too drunk and uncoordinated. In fact, all Hermione managed to do was rumple her bedding.

…

"There is no other place to sleep but the floor!" Hermione snapped. She was slowly losing her temper.

"'oth oof's drunkered!" He argued her babblingly.

"There's only one drunk here. And now do as you're told!" By shoving first left and then pulling his right arm with all her might, she finally managed to drag him into her bed. Naturally, Harry fell right onto her.

…

Harry hurried to roll off Hermione and onto the empty side of the bed. "What's gotten into you?"

"Silencio!" Surprisingly, the incantation was understandable. But Hermione waved only her finger and not a wand. The only effect it had was to make Harry shake his head in disbelief.

"I'll go back to my place now." He tried to roll out of the bed on the other side but Hermione tackled him before he could get anywhere. Or to be more accurate, she flopped onto him.

"Jus-ss-day," Hermione whined. "You sai' yu woul'n' leaf me."

He had said so. And he could hardly leave her if he wasn't sure that she'd stay in her flat.

…

Harry yawned.

In a struggle, so epic words could never do it justice, Hermione somehow managed to drape the blanket over his entire body. And there was even enough left for her meager needs.

"Nothin' sexy, only sleepy," He murmured.

…

"Sa's wha' I'vn lellin' you alalalong." Hermione's cross-eyed glare was not very impressive.

She acted like he had been the one who had been all over her for the past hour. But it made no sense to argue with her while she was like this. "Okay, I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page." He was the reasonable one here!

Hermione gave him a sharp nod, turned her back on him, and demanded, "Spoon me!"

…

Harry told himself that they had done other way more intimate things. Putting his arms around Hermione now was basically just hugging her – while they happened to be in bed with almost no clothes on.

His arms had barely slipped around her when she started to wiggle.

He tightened his grip on her which only made her wriggle her bum all the more vehemently.

Hermione complained in a whiny voice, "Yurr pokin me."

…

"Jus lemme." Harry tried to distance himself from her.

Which was not what Hermione wanted. She simply held onto the arms around her midst. The hug was nice. She felt warm and overall good. Letting go of him was a very unappealing option in comparison.

...

Harry stopped his attempt to get away from Hermione after a few futile moments. He was more than a little bit confused.

What did Hermione expect him to do? She said one thing but did the opposite.

While he was still trying to come up with a plan, Hermione pulled his arms around herself like he was her favorite blanket.

This prompted him to hug her a little bit tighter before she yanked one of his arms out of its socket. He was rewarded with an appreciative noise.

Maybe, it was Hermione. Maybe, it was him. Fact was his palm ended on one of her breasts. His fingers curled around it.

...

Neither could, nor wanted, Hermione to stop the moan that escaped her mouth when she felt Harry's lips on her neck. His hands were on her breast and once more he proved that he had an instinctual understanding of how to touch her.

She wasn't exactly averse to having a quick go. She was horny. He was there. And with his hard-on on her bum, there was no doubt what he wanted. She could hardly think of any reason to not indulge.

Yes, they were only friends but it wasn't like they hadn't done this about a hundred times before. It had been an easy decision to take in the tent. Hermione had offered it to her long-time crush as soon as Ron was gone. And if it was okay for them to have sex to fight off the effects of a dark magical artifact they could also do it just for fun.

Quite loudly, she groaned, "Yesh! Lugic is awsom!"

…

On the following morning, Hermione was woken in the most uncommon way.

"The sun! What is wrong with the sun?" Harry called out distraught.

"Nothing is wrong with the sun." She grumbled while pulling the blanket back over her face. "That happens every morning."

"This is awful!" Harry stumbled out of the bed. Moments later merciful semidarkness filled her bedroom.

She felt it in the mattress when he sat down on its edge. When he did not lie back down, she commanded, "Get back under the covers before you get cold!"

"You really have an attitude in the morning," He grumbled.

But he also obeyed. Hermione snuggled into him once more. Nothing better than a warm body in the morning. Except... "I want pancakes."

"I know."

"In bed."

"I said, I know." Harry rolled his eyes. He'd been on permanent breakfast duty once Ron had been gone. Hermione had wanted pancakes in bed every day. "However, you need to let go of me first."

The brunette witch babbled something he couldn't understand. She did not let go. Once she had started to snore quietly, he untangled himself.

…

Half an hour later Harry had made pancakes, transfigured a tray to have short legs, and prepared Hermione's morning tea. He carried everything into her bedroom.

At least, he did not have to wake her up. An especially bushy haired witch sat in her bed and looked expectantly at him. When he lingered by the door, she gestured graciously for him to put the tray onto her lap.

"So," He said meaningfully.

"So?" She asked between two bites.

Harry tried to be calm. But this was hard while Hermione hungrily munched her pancakes. And so hard he had tried to hold them back so fast the questions burst out of him, "Are you my girlfriend now? Do we give a real relationship a try? Or are we friends with benefits now? Do you rather want to be normal friends? And if so will we pretend last night was a belated Horcrux hunt night?"

Hermione finished chewing. "It's good you don't have to ask another witch out. You're awful at it." She leaned over to peck his cheek. "Option two please."

Harry frowned. While he tried to remember what had been the second thing he had asked, Hermione slipped into the bathroom.

* * *

A/N: TyrannicPuppy beta-read this. And since he won't read this text again because he has already seen it, I totally pulled one over on him. How you ask? I added a few paragraphs and ... don't ask inappropriate questions!


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